The Upside of Down

The Upside of Down

None of us like to feel hopeless. It is demotivating and soul-destroying - it weighs you down. We desire to be hopeful - confident that things will turn out and that it will all be OK. Theologically we may understand the latter statement to be true and we trust in that, but somehow, we still feel hopeless and indeed, helpless from time to time as circumstances and people happen to us! 

I have recently started re-reading a great book and this sentence stuck out -  The time when you get to hopelessness can be one of the best moments for your future. To give up hope that something is going to change when it is not going to gets you unstuck immediately and brings energy. It brings life to the sickness of hope deferred. ( Cloud, 2011:119). 

Especially when it comes to certain relationships and strategic initiatives we feel compelled at times to try and "make it work" simply because the alternative - "giving up" sounds negative and defeatist. But think of all the energy that is expended on this crusade - not to mention time - only for the majority of times, it ends exactly the way you thought it would. 

"At least I tried"   you say. But what would have happened in that time if you had tried something else instead? 

Cloud goes on to speak of the contrast between the wise and the foolish  person - largely drawn from the principles in the book of Proverbs. What would a wise person do in this situation? How would a wise leader respond to this person? How do wise people receive feedback? Cloud says: 

"Here are some traits of the wise: 

•When you give them feedback, they listen, take it in, and adjust their behavior accordingly.

• When you give them feedback, they embrace it positively. 

• They own their performance, problems, and issues and take responsibility for them without excuses or blame.

• They empathize and express concern about the results of their behavior on others.

• In response to feedback, they go into future-oriented problem-solving mode. “I see this. How can I do better in the future?” • They do not allow problems that have been addressed to turn into patterns. They change. They adjust and fix them. It does not mean that change will be instantaneous. There are few instant cures with no slips, as a goal is always being approximated until one gets there. That is why surgeons in training start on cadavers. But they listen and learn and eventually are wise enough to cut living people." 

(Cloud, 2011:129-130). 

What about a foolish person - how might they respond? Often, the fool will try to adjust the truth, so that they don't have to deal with it. Someone else is to blame for my actions - "if you only knew what I had to deal with..." is common phraseology. The foolish person actually does not want to change or even listen. Perhaps the reason we struggle through difficult relationships and not create the 'necessary ending' is because we presume the person will respond in a loving, gracious and kind way if we do. And many times, they do not. 

Talking to a wise and responsible person about the problem is a good idea, change will happen. Whereas talking to a fool continually about the problem - will not help. So stop talking. Cut your losses. Make the change. As Cloud says in summation:

" With wise people, talk to them, give them resources, and you will get a return. With foolish people, stop talking to them about problems; they are not listening. And stop supplying resources; they squander them. Instead, give them limits and consequences." (Cloud, 2011:143). 

Going in circles can leave you hopeless and breathless - the question is, how many of those situations are self imposed? Maybe it's time to recognize who you are dealing with and do the necessary so that your most precious God-given resource and responsibility - Time - is not wasted. 

χαρις και ειρηνη 

Read: Cloud, Henry (2011-01-18). Necessary Endings: The Employees, Businesses, and Relationships That All of Us Have to Give Up in Order to Move Forward.  HarperBusiness.